As you will probably know, I just finished reviewing the Nightmare on Elm Street films. I was not too keen on reviewing the couple of non-canon films that followed featuring Freddy Krueger though. But I got some awesome volunteers when I put the call out there.
First up is my cousin Damo with this review of Freddy vs Jason (2003), the much maligned team up film, which does actually have a few defenders. Here are Damo’s thoughts.
Freddy vs Jason, a quick rundown before we begin.
Freddy Krueger is a serial killer, he attacks people in their dreams and if they die in the dream world, they die in real life too apparently. Krueger is from the Nightmare on Elm Street series.
Jason Voorhees kills serially also; he hails from the well known Friday the 13th horror film series. This guy automatically scores extra points because he wears a bad ass ice hockey mask, because he’s legit. And I like Ice Hockey…
Anyway, this movie is all about Krueger’s mission to return to Elm Street (where he enjoys killing people) after an extended hiatus of not being powerful enough to enter people’s dreams. Or something. This is all explained by Kruger himself; in addition to his plan to get Jason Voorhees to kill Elm Street locals so he can make a re-entry to the dream world. Unfortunately for Freddy though, Jason’s refusal to help him and instead continue killing for himself throws a spanner in the works. A spanner that obviously can’t be taken out like a normal person, its got to be solved by a big showdown between the two blokes. Sounds cool. Not really. Its crap.
So a storyline that’s so totally unique I hear you say; no its not. Haha.
But guess what? The characters are completely new and original. The lead girl, naïve and beautiful; the love interest who never wants to leave her side; the girl’s best friend who has low self esteem and that random pothead who is high all the time. What an outstanding film. Just joking. This is horrible.
Criticism aside, the fights and kills in the film are okay. After realizing that Jason Voorhees is overtaking him on the kill scale; Krueger initiates his fight back (cue the Freddy Vs Jason fight that took them an hour and fifteen minutes to get to). A combo of cool ways of stabbing each other coupled with hitting one another with various industrial material and/or machinery provides a somewhat okay series of moments in an absolutely horrendous film. It just isn’t that good.
I was able to do one thing constructive during my viewing of Freddy vs Jason which was add the question “Is the writer of Freddy vs Jason dead yet?”
This film is the first in many years that has left me with my head in my hands wanting to cry in a corner.
I wish I could tell you to watch this movie, to share it with your friends and to enjoy your 97minutes of bliss, instead I will tell you to burn it in bucket that’s fireproof just in case the fire spreads. Its good to be fire-smart.
Verdict: Schooner of Tooheys New
Damo now has his own blog over at The Horenco Effort where he is publishing his movie reviews and will also be featuring other gnarly stuff such as his tunes.